Mm-hmm.
Is this important?
It'll just take a second.
[sighs] Fine, but Mr. Donaghy is on another call right now
and doesn't have time for a separate interaction with you.
Everything he says will have
to work for both conversations.
Really?
Lemon.
"Lemon" works for your business call?
Oh, right, uh...
Well, I just wanted to let you know that
I have to go to Chicago for jury duty because I never changed
my residence to New York.
Why not?
Because I wanted to vote in a swing state, Jack.
Also, I want to stay
on the mailing list at Chicago Pizza Explosion.
How fast can you turn it around?
Who, me?
Oh, right.
Uh, I'll fly back in the morning.
I never get put on a jury.
I wear my Princess Leia costume and they dismiss me immediately.
Well, that sounds good for both of us.
Thank you very much, sir.
Ha, that last part didn't work both ways.
You said "sir."
I think it worked fine.
I'll have Jonathan
call Travel and upgrade your flight.
Sweet!
What do you take to fly?
Candy and magazines.
[Chuckles] No, pills.
Nobody flies without medication anymore.
Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?
"Comanapracil"?
"May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares and sleep crime."
It's very good.
Tyler Brody on two, sir.
Tyler Brody, the dude from the Olympics?
Yes, he was the silver medalist in tetherball.
Bob Costas: Speedman's caught an angle!
Tyler Brody is flailing!
And there's the coil!
Lance Speedman is the Olympic Tetherball Champion...
and Tyler Brody can't believe it!
Boy, there are a lot of weird Olympic events these days.
Not that weird, Lemon.
Tetherball, we faked.
What? Why would you fake an Olympic event?
For ratings.
We staged several events so that Americans could win more medals.
That's despicable.
It took years of planning and now Tyler Brody
is threatening to go public and ruin everything.
So obviously, I have a lot on my plate
and no time to baby-sit the sixth floor.
So before you go gallivanting off to Chicago
make sure you get your people under control.
Be a manager.
Yeah, yeah.
Liz, Tracy is countersuing me!
For "defamation of character."
How can you "defame" someone who's been arrested
in three different Chuck E. Cheeses?
Do you know who I am?!
Seriously, please tell me who I am!
Jenna, I'm not taking sides in this lawsuit thing.
It's ridiculous.
Tracy's video game never would have worked
without my voice acting.
I deserve to get paid.
Liz Lemon!
Nemesis.
Liz, will you tell Tracy I don't even want to speak to him?
Okay, two can play at that game.
Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?
That's not even... Okay, that's it.
I am calling Human Resources
and setting up a mediation for you.
I told you, I don't drink that much at work.
Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.
I watched "Boston Legal" nine times before I realized
it wasn't a new "Star Trek."
Liz, you have to admit this is unfair.
I got nothing.
Meanwhile, Grizz and Dotcom bought a boat.
Cape Hatteras is lovely this time of year.
Well, of course Tracy takes care of his boys and not you.
He thinks he can
take advantage of you because you're a woman.
Men think they can get away with anything.
It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry
at the Oscars.
No one has it harder in this country today than women.
It turns out we can't be president.
We can't be network news anchors.
Madonna's arms look crazy.
Tyler, I know you're upset we didn't pick you for the gold
and I'm going to make it up to you.
How would you like to host "Deal or No Deal"
in the privacy of your own home?
I think I'll hold a press conference instead...
tell the world there's no such thing as Olympic tetherball.
...or synchronized running.
Or octuples tennis!
It's all a lie.
A white lie that did a lot of good
for this country's morale.
Did you know that President Bush's approval rating
was almost as high as 15% following the Olympics?
Gasp! Olympic hero Tyler Brody!
Olympic fraud!
There's no such thing as Olympic tetherball.
They made it all up for the ratings.
What are you saying?
Tyler...
You can be the voice of "Knight Rider..."
the film!
I'm listening.
Okay, I'm Jeffrey, I am a mediator.
And you two are having a dispute, now why is that?
Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly
because I'm a woman.
What?! Please.
We're here because white folks think they can do
whatever they want to do to black folks.
It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry
at the Oscars.
White people stole jazz, rock-n-roll
Will Smith and heart disease.
Now they think
they can take my hard-earned money.
Okay, well, if we look at how voice actors
are normally compensated...
Liz says, in today's America
it's harder to be a woman than a black man.
Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb!
Okay...
Tracy, do you know women still get paid less than men
for doing the same job?
Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to be an overweight transgender in this country?!
[Liz snores]
No, Grandma, no...
"Believe in the stars."
It's like that doesn't even mean anything anymore.
Kenneth...
I'm sure I can trust your discretion about
what happened in my office today.
What you overheard was some rather
grown-up talk.
Was any of it real, Mr. Donaghy?
Beer pong? Jazzercise? Women's soccer?
You're not in Stone Mountain anymore, Kenneth.
This is the real world
and not everything is in black and white.
There's always a right thing to do, Mr. Donaghy.
Just, sometimes, it's not the easy thing to do.
Tyler Brody was not the only hero I lost today, sir.
The other hero was you, in case that wasn't...
I got it, Kenneth.
If it weren't for you people, I'd still be in Africa...
gorgeous, politically stable Africa!
My people?
Women are the oppressed ones.
And it's even harder being a beautiful woman.
Everyone assumes I don't try in bed, it's discrimination!
Whatever, You couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney!
Right, Toof?
No, thank you.
Jenna: I could totally be black.
You should try being a white woman!
Okay, I will!
No, no, no, no, no!
I don't like where this is heading.
"Freaky Friday" social experiment!
Oh, it's on!
Where is Liz Lemon?
I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury
because I can read thoughts.
Judge: Dismissed!
Flight Attendant: Welcome aboard Flight 1876 to New York...
[phone vibrates]
Hello?
Jack: Lemon, as part of our deal to keep him quiet
Tyler Brody is going to be on your show this week.
But he won't do any tetherball stuff.
Boy, Jack, it must be nice to dump your problems
on other people.
It is.
Lemon, do you think Kenneth admires you?
Sure, that kid looks up to everybody.
He calls Tracy's lizard "sir."
So someone would have to be a complete monster
to lose his respect.
Yeah... I don't know what we're talking about.
Jack: We're talking about nobody...
a hillbilly nobody that doesn't know anything.
[phone vibrates]
Hello?
Tracy is a white woman, Liz.
What?
Jenna: He's trying to prove
that being a white woman is easier than being a black man.
Wait, no... what about the mediation?
Jenna: We are way past that.
This is gonna be bigger than when Tyra Banks
put on that fat suit.
And don't worry...
When I prove Tracy wrong, you'll get all the credit.
Liz: What are you gonna do, J...?
[phone vibrates]
Hello?
[Effeminate voice]: Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate!
I'm sorry, who?
Tracy [Normal voice]: See, Liz Lemon?
You're already treating me with more respect.
Oh, God, Tracy...
Tracy: You wait till I test this noise out on society.
Minds will be blown!
Liz: No! No society.
Do not go outside, do not let Jack Donaghy see you!
[slurring]: Tracis, listen to meem... oh, boy.
This pills am strong.
Tracy: You can't fix this, Liz Lemon!
It's about race, It's about being a woman.
It's about money. It's about being on TV!
And no one understands all that.
Hello.
I'ma call you back, I snitting nexta Borpo.
Well, Portland's got a fun, little waterfront.
[Sniffing]
Would you mind if I closed this window shade...
I'm trying to adopt a baby but my job
is making it impossible
because my Work Self
is suffocating my Life Me!
I'm Liz Lemon
and I lost my virginity at 25.
I saw the show about following your fear
and it inspired me to wear shorts to work.
It didn't go great.
Do you know Tracy Jordan?
[Chuckles] I took a pill earlier, but...
I didn't get my September issue
of "O" magazine, do you have the number for subscriptions?
[Laughs] Why would you?! Aah!
I eat emotionally.
And, one time, at summer camp, I kissed a girl on a dare
but then she drowned!
And here comes some more stuff, I hate my feet.
And, once, I had a sex dream about Nate Berkus
but halfway through, he turned into Dr. Oz.
Has that ever happened to you?
A hug! This is happening!
It's all right, Liz, it's all right.
I'm okay.
Please stay close.
Uh, can you keep your hands outside my clothes?
Okay.
Good.
Kenneth, I'm a good person.
If you say so, sir.
But sometimes, life is complicated.
There isn't always a right answer.
Say you're in a lifeboat...
"You're in a lifeboat."
The boat holds eight people... but you have nine onboard.
Either you will capsize
and everyone will drown or one person can be
sacrificed to save the others.
Now, how do you decide who should die?
Oh, I don't believe in hypothetical situations
Mr. Donaghy, That's like lying to your brain.
Kenneth, you've lived a sheltered life.
Virtue never tested is no virtue at all.
Oh, I have been tested, sir.
There are only two things I love in this world...
everybody and television.
But up in my neighborhood, we can't even afford cable.
Kenneth: So my neighbor, the Colonel, and I
just watched whatever the ol' rabbit ears pick up.
A lot of folks have chosen to go ahead
and steal cable
from the poor, defenseless cable company.
But not me.
As bad as I want all those channels, I don't do it
because stealing is wrong.
Kenneth, I'm familiar with the 10 Commandments.
10?
A lot of us women eat emotionally, Liz.
And while we're not always in control of our feelings
we do control of the decisions we make.
I know, of course.
Now, you say that you want a child
and yet, you let Jenna and Tracy fill that role in your life.
Maybe you're afraid
of taking that next step.
Oh, my God, that's it!
Now that we've leveled off
I think they're gonna serve us a little snack.
So true, so wise.
You know, when you say that to everything
it makes me feel like you're not listening.
Sorry.
Here, try this.
It's wonderful salt-water taffy from Rhode Island.
Wow, is this one of your "favorite things"?
Oh, yes.
And I have so many wonderful favorite things this year.
Sweater capes, calypso music...
paisley tops... [Whispering] Chinese checkers
[Normal voice]: High-heel flip-flops
that lift up your butt and give you a work-out.
And you...
Liz Lemon.
Too many women are wearing themselves too thin these days.
And what suffers because of that?
Your bowel movements.
Your personal life.
Personal life, yes.
I want to help you, what can I do?
Oh, my God, would you say...
[Mimicking Oprah]: "Please welcome, Liz Lemon!"
No.
But here is what I will do.
While I'm in New York, if you want
I can stop by and I can talk
to Tracy and Jenna.
Solve that little problem for you
so you can concentrate
on Liz for once.
Oh, you are the best person in the whole world.
[Liz snores]
Good grief.
[Effeminate voice]: Hi, strangers!
Do you think I'm sexy? Giggle, giggle, giggle!
Tracy, I know it's you. And, yeah, I do.
I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch!
I hope we can sit outside!
Lipstick! [Giggles]
Jack, what are you doing down here?
It's been a real crazy day, Lemon.
We're bidding to build a wind farm in Turkey
and I'm trying to convince the board
to sell the Locomotive Division
and Kenneth is being a real stick in the mud.
Well, there's nothing to see down here!
Everything is under control in Studio 6H.
Good morning!
No! No, no, no!
No, no, no!
No, no, no... wait, stop!
Why do you have a monster claw?
[Normal voice]: They ran out of white make-up 'cause I insisted
they do my buttocks.
[Effemminate voice]: Good morning!
What is going on here?
[Normal voice]: Jenna and I are doing a social experiment.
Liz: No, you're not.
Wait, what is Jenna doing?
Jenna: ? You gotta ease on down?
? Ease on down the road?
Jenna, stop that right now.
Jack: This is worse than when you wore your shorts to work.
You realize this is incredibly offensive.
Yes.
And you realize blackface makeup reignites racial stereotypes
African-Americans have worked
for hundreds of years to overcome.
Here we go.
Liz: Yeah, it's bad.
I get it, Go get some baby wipes!
Jenna: We're trying to prove
who has it hardest in America: women or black men.
I'll tell you who has it the hardest: white men.
We make the unpopular, difficult decisions...
the tough choices.
We land on the moon and Normandy Beach, and yet, they resent us.
Kenneth: Well, sir...
I'm sorry to disagree, but I am also a white man...
No, you are not, socio-economically speaking
you are more like an inner-city Latina.
The point is, men like me have to step in
and clean up messes like this.
No, you don't, I've got this under control!
She's coming, Jack, Oprah is coming!
And she's gonna fix everything, Oprah!
[Rumbling]
Oh, my, what was that?
We've tripped the emergency brake, Kenneth.
Mr. Donaghy?
And I've hermetically sealed this elevator car.
No air can get in or out.
Don't worry, folks, help will be here soon
and we have enough oxygen... for eight people.
Unfortunately, there are nine of us in here.
Now... one must die.
Mr. Donaghy!
In the panel where the elevator phone should be
I placed a pistol loaded with one bullet.
[Gun clicks]
It's empty!
Then you'll have to choke me with my belt.
I will fight you. It's human nature.
What is wrong with you?!
Oprah smells like rosewater and warm laundry.
Did she tell you any of her new favorite things for this year?
Calypso, paisley, Chinese checkers and sweater capes.
Let's go to the mall!
Did she touch you?
Jack: Well, Kenneth, I give up.
I thought pure morality died with Chuck Heston
but you proved me wrong.
You are better than all of us.
You are one Latina fantastica.
Hola.
Kenneth Ellen Parcell...
you are my hero.
You don't mean "hero" like "sandwich," do you?
No, Kenneth... not like sandwich.
[Whistling]
Oh, no.
[Calypso music plays]
Oprah's coming.
Tracy: I haven't seen Oprah since
she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads.
Jonathan: Um, Liz?
Your guest is here.
Oprah!
Hello, Liz Lemon!
Uh, how you doin'?
Hi!
What were you on? That's a kid.
That does explain some of the stuff she said.
I get to fly first class 'cause my mom is a flight attendant!
I lost my headgear at Six Flags.
My boyfriend's in ninth grade!
It's not Oprah.
I thought it was Oprah.
It's a spunky, little tween.
Now, as I am sure Liz has told you, I am Pam.
Pam.
I'm a middle school class vice president...
a certified and trained baby-sitter
and I recently got Internet in my room!
I think I gave her wine.
I believe I can achieve anything.
So let's get down to solving this problem.
Now which one of you is "Jana"?
Hello, Mr. Donaghy.
Did you have a good night, Kenneth?
Oh, yes, sir, hardly any screaming from the Colonel.
Actually, I was thinking...
We all try to be perfect, but the world...
maybe, well...
uh, what I'm trying to say...
There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you
what's on the other channels!
I know, Kenneth, it's okay.
I am glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy.
[Jack chuckles]
Is SpongeBob SquarePants
supposed to be terrifying?
You're darn right he is, Kenneth.
Yesterday, Liz and I realized
that she's probably wearing the wrong bra size.
Oh.
Yup... that one's definitely bigger.
Pam: And that made me feel sad.
Now show me your emotion drawings.
Jenna: Tracy, your emotion is upside-down.
Tracy: That's the way my world is right now.
I guess I'm gonna have to clean up your mess after all.
She's 12, how did I...
It's okay, it happens to the best of us.
In-flight medication is how I met M. Night Shyamalan
until it turned out to be...
That was the best day of my life.
Jenna: Liz...
we worked it out.
Tracy: I've been hearing...
[Emotional] but I haven't been listening.
And I need to stop being a frenemy and be your real B.F.F.
Well... Iooks like my work here is done.
So, I'll see you at my parents' house for dinner.
My best friend Gayle can't make it
because she has some algebra test tomorrow.
Oh, Gayle!
Good job, Lemon.
Good job, Pam, really.
Be a white man: take credit.
Hmm.
Tracy and Jenna:? Lean on me... when you're not strong?
We're not doing that now.
Jack: Stop that, do you hear me?
I don't think I should be drinking this.
Oh, come on, like you never have a drink.
Well, I did have some champagne at my cousin's wedding once.
Yeah, you did! To Oprah!
My name is Pam.
[Laughs] Oh, Oprah!